Faith
by SorainaSkye
Summary: I don't believe in love. I have no reason to. C/A, Cloud POV


Faith

I don't believe in love. I have no reason to.

When I was born, my father was gone. There was no feeling for his nameless face. For him I felt nothing, and my mother was left to care for me. I loved her. I _know_ that I loved her. She took care of me, and helped bandaged my skinned knees. When all seemed against me, she held me close.

She loved me too, I think.

I loved Tifa. I know that I did. I loved her with the dim love that children feel for those that seem greater than themselves, a love based purely on what others thought. I loved her- regretfully I can't deny this. To this day I care for her.

I think you know all of this already. But please...I have to say this, I have to tell you. I don't know any other way to start.

Zack comes next- but of course you already know that. Zack was my friend, a caring person caring person that in all honesty protected me until he died- and after. I know that now. I loved him, as a brother that I had never had, but then wanted more than almost anything.

Days passed, and I hardly dwelled on these facts. I never thought things would change, never thought that maybe things could go wrong. I would be great- I would prove to them, to all of them who I was and what I could do! I would show them, show everyone that had ever laughed at me that I was strong and that I was loved...

...You see, then, where this is going?

I loved my mother, and she was killed. I loved Zack as a brother, and he was killed too- protecting me. I loved Tifa, and she kept secrets from me.

What had love ever done for me?

People say that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. They should try it sometime. For most of my life I have walked on the thin and oxymoronic line of hating love. It was in this mindset, that I met you.

I can't say that I really recognized what happened when it did. I didn't feel any different. I felt bitter toward the things I had lost- excluding Zack, who was no part of my memory at that time. And with you, at first I didn't think it love. It was too natural, too easy. Like a second skin, like breathing, it existed. It was _needed_.

I didn't need to think about it. Somewhere, deep inside I must have known. I was sure of it in a way that I wasn't sure of anything else- even myself. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it more than I knew who I was.

I asked you then, remember? 'Who am I? I'm Ex-SOLDIER Cloud, right? Tell me, Aerith...'

Yeah...It's hard for me to think about it too. I don't like to. I know, I know, you're still here. I'm talking to you, aren't I? But it doesn't make it any easier...that image in my mind. The feeling...the anger, and the sadness...

You died, and I realized exactly what had happened.

Love had destroyed me, again.

It was true; I was completely and totally broken. A shell, hardly living and trapped within my own mind- images of the deaths of those that I had loved driving me to insanity. I was a puppet and I betrayed everyone. Even you.

God...I just...I didn't know how...to deal...with anything, anymore.

You said that you would be there to help me, that I had to be strong. At the time I believed you- believed the still unrecognized love. But you died...and I...fell deeper into a madness I could not have gotten out of if not for you. It had been foolish to trust, to believe in love.

I know, I know. I'm not making much sense. Believe me, I'm not angry with you- how could I be? And I don't want you to ever leave me. Not again.

I'll try and explain more clearly.

When you don't want it, when everything is going wrong, love strikes. Love strikes, and it is wonderful and natural and too much for words...and then it leaves. It betrays. Love cannot be trusted, I know that now. Love is too fickle, too unexpected and powerful.

Love hurts. Love brings pain.

Please, let me finish. Don't...Don't cry, please. I'm not done.

I don't believe in love- I have no reason to. Love has hurt me and betrayed and broken me at every turn. It exists and it destroys.

I don't believe in love.

But I believe in you.

You would never betray me or bring me pain. You gave me bliss like nothing I could have imagined. You were always there for me- and somehow I knew it.

I love you. I know that I do. But…but, it is also more than that. It's something more than love because it won't be broken, won't be shaken, won't be torn asunder though you're gone and I am still here...

I believe in you. In everything you do. I'm not alone, not anymore, because of you. You always came for me, no matter what.

This is more than love- because love doesn't go beyond the grave. I've seen it. People love each other and move on. But I can't do that- could never do that.

So you see, it's alright, though you are gone and I'm still here.

Love destroyed me- it broke me and crushed me until I was something dark, something unrecognizable. Love pushed me to my limits and nearly killed me.

But you...you _saved_ me.

From myself. From love and its hurt.

I know that doesn't make much sense but I...Oh. I knew you'd understand. You always do. I came to you, even though I was breaking, and you knew, didn't you?

I don't believe in love- never have, never will. I don't believe in love, because I have no reason to.

But I believe in you.

Always.

Yeah, I know you believe in me too.


End file.
